Saturday, February 5, 2011

Sometimes I try too hard to color inside the lines

So, yesterday was pretty good. I did absolutely nothing, and then in that case I guess all my weekends should be pretty good because I do nothing every weekend. Last night after supper I came up to my room and sat in my bed... I watched a million episodes of Bones and Criminal Minds while I colored in my Batman coloring book. I was trying to color pictures for a bunch of people and then I was gonna send it to them with a message written on it. I believe I was up till like four this morning doing that. No worries, I had chips and donuts and lemonade for sustenance.

I still haven't gotten out of bed. I didn't finish my episodes, so that's what I will do all day today too. I discovered that while coloring I try soooo hard to stay inside the lines. Sometimes the crayon isn't sharp enough and so it begins to get harder to do that, then when I do accidentally get outside the lines I get mad and disappointed. I begin to think "crap, its ruined. They are gonna hate it now and think I'm a horrible colorer".  Then I realized that what I just did there in coloring, I do in life. I try soooo hard to be a certain someone whether its for me, others, or God. We all go through phases where we rotate who we are trying to please, even though we know it should always be God. Anyways, in the midst of that pressure to be a certain someone, I mess up, I get outside the lines. It could be real small, it could be the only time in a long time, it doesn't matter. You begin to fear what "they" might think. You might try to cover up your mistake or make it fit some how in the picture, but it will always be there. What if the person won't accept the picture with the error? Doubt. Doubting who you are. Doubting who they are. Doubting who God is. If they are truly your friends, they will love it no matter what. BUT there are those people out there you will come into contact with who won't. Learn to move on and begin to color another picture or find someone else who will take it :)
Just like little kids. I get to watch them color a lot. They try their hardest to color outside the lines, or at least that is what it seems like, ha. They don't care and still we look at that picture and say "oh, I love it".

Right now, I have accidentally colored outside the lines, and I don't know how to fix it or make it work. I am weak. I am asking, if anyone reads this to say a prayer for me. I'm not asking you to say you will pray and then let it leave your mind or forget about it. Because I really need it. I don't mind being completely honest here what do I have to lose.

I'm afraid. I'm really afraid. Where I am at right now in life, isn't where I expected to find myself . I have great plans to do great things...but for now I'm here. I don't like waiting. I don't feel like the same person I once was. I feel like I've lost something, but I can't quite figure out what it is. Anyways, I could go on forever...but I shan't

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