Sunday, September 4, 2011
Flea Market Jesus
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Boggle Part 2
Okay, now this is the second part..so read the first part first. Sorry it's long.
I have been journaling my thoughts. I want to share them with you. They will probably be sporadic and even a little irrational...but remember they are from my journal, that's where those thoughts go. There are some good thoughts though, ha.
"I don't have money in my account to pay my bills. I don't know what I am gonna do. I guess really there is only one thing I can do. TRUST God. He will pay. I will obey. I will stand on the promises of God. Why would I want to stand anywhere else? God. I am very conflicted. I keep hearing the word "faithful" and I know in my head that you are, but sometimes my heart says otherwise. I know that every good thing comes from you. I will take you everywhere. We will conquer and overcome. The Lord is my banner. Be the banner over my finances. Be the banner over my relationships. Be the banner over my job. I just want to cry. I just want you to tell me what to do. Should I stay? I don't want to leave if the Human Trafficking shelter opens, and they can eventually give me a job. If the Peoria job is given to me, I am gonna have to take it because its all I got right now. I just want to be real with someone...just let it all out and then let them give me a hug. I feel like I never know if I am doing the right thing. Just keep seeking."
"During this fast I want God to renew my vision. Give me a vision. I want to be so close to God that I don't hesitate anymore because I am unsure of something. I woke up this morning, and my first thought was, Oh I will just go down and get food. Nope. Dang it. Well then I will just watch TV. Nope. Dang it. I have to stay focused. ...Last night I couldn't fall asleep. Thoughts invaded my mind!!! ..... food runs my life. Everywhere I turn, its there."
"GOD! SERIOUSLY TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR WHERE TO GO! I mean I don't feel like either choice would be a wrong choice. One has to be better than the other though, right? I am probably making this harder on myself than it needs to be. Why do I always seem to be the indecisive, jobless, no specific calling person...everyone tells me how great I am and that I'd be good at so many things...then why is it so hard! I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I do think I am a pretty good catch :) for an employer or a boy, ha."
"today mom said I could get a snack from sonic!! of all days!! She never offers that! ugh..."
"I should instead be asking, which job or area could I most glorify God? I don't know. I have been thinking about what a leader told me one time on a mission trip. She was talking to three of us who had the name Elizabeth. She said, you know your parents named you that for a reason. It was blessed. Just like Elizabeth in the bible discipled and prepared John, who was the one who prepared the way for Christ, YOU will prepare the younger generation, who will be the ones to prepare the way for Christ."
I have been journaling my thoughts. I want to share them with you. They will probably be sporadic and even a little irrational...but remember they are from my journal, that's where those thoughts go. There are some good thoughts though, ha.
"I don't have money in my account to pay my bills. I don't know what I am gonna do. I guess really there is only one thing I can do. TRUST God. He will pay. I will obey. I will stand on the promises of God. Why would I want to stand anywhere else? God. I am very conflicted. I keep hearing the word "faithful" and I know in my head that you are, but sometimes my heart says otherwise. I know that every good thing comes from you. I will take you everywhere. We will conquer and overcome. The Lord is my banner. Be the banner over my finances. Be the banner over my relationships. Be the banner over my job. I just want to cry. I just want you to tell me what to do. Should I stay? I don't want to leave if the Human Trafficking shelter opens, and they can eventually give me a job. If the Peoria job is given to me, I am gonna have to take it because its all I got right now. I just want to be real with someone...just let it all out and then let them give me a hug. I feel like I never know if I am doing the right thing. Just keep seeking."
"During this fast I want God to renew my vision. Give me a vision. I want to be so close to God that I don't hesitate anymore because I am unsure of something. I woke up this morning, and my first thought was, Oh I will just go down and get food. Nope. Dang it. Well then I will just watch TV. Nope. Dang it. I have to stay focused. ...Last night I couldn't fall asleep. Thoughts invaded my mind!!! ..... food runs my life. Everywhere I turn, its there."
"GOD! SERIOUSLY TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR WHERE TO GO! I mean I don't feel like either choice would be a wrong choice. One has to be better than the other though, right? I am probably making this harder on myself than it needs to be. Why do I always seem to be the indecisive, jobless, no specific calling person...everyone tells me how great I am and that I'd be good at so many things...then why is it so hard! I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I do think I am a pretty good catch :) for an employer or a boy, ha."
"today mom said I could get a snack from sonic!! of all days!! She never offers that! ugh..."
"I should instead be asking, which job or area could I most glorify God? I don't know. I have been thinking about what a leader told me one time on a mission trip. She was talking to three of us who had the name Elizabeth. She said, you know your parents named you that for a reason. It was blessed. Just like Elizabeth in the bible discipled and prepared John, who was the one who prepared the way for Christ, YOU will prepare the younger generation, who will be the ones to prepare the way for Christ."
Boggle Part 1
So, as some of you know I have been doing some serious job searching lately as well as fasting and praying. I believe they all go hand in hand and you can't have one without the other. Here are my thoughts on the last few days. Questions and comments are welcomed :)
When I felt like I was just at an end, with no where else to go. I had no idea what to do next (job wise). I tried to think of what people in scripture did at those times. I mean, when I say I am at an end, its not quite as serious as in bible times. I did however reflect upon the act of fasting. It was done in times of great need and turmoil. It was a time when people sought out the face of God. They wanted to take away all other distractions and simply focus on the heart of God. You want to simply worship Him during those times you would normally eat. It doesn't mean doing a lot of talking. When you are in tune with God, your hearts beat as one, you will find what you are looking for. This is also the time when Satan attacks. He knows you are vulnerable. He will try to fill your mind with a million thoughts, fill your day with requests from others, unnecessary tasks, etc so that you will be distracted. Many people believe that every christian should attempt a 40 day fast at least once in their lifetime.
Anyways, so I chose to fast. I really felt like I just needed to take away all distractions and focus on God in order to some what understand His ways and where He is leading me. Let me set up the scene for you. I was approached by a friend on facebook about an opening for a Youth Assistant Director in Peoria. This is a friend that I haven't talked to for three years almost. He is a greenville grad. He said he was just browsing facebook, saw my name, and thought "hmmm...she'd be good for this position. I will ask her." I really never wanted to get back into Youth ministry, but I wasn't gonna throw it out the window yet. Well, I sent him my resume and said that I would think about it. He responded by saying that the staff was impressed with my resume. The lady in charge is supposed to be calling me soon to give me details and talk to me about possibly coming up Sept. 11 for an interview. I am not dreading this job anymore. I have actually become quite excited about the possibility! Plus, if I did get it and move to Peoria, I would be closer to friends, and be able to get my own place. Still waiting to hear from Linda, the lady in charge.
The same time this is going on as well, I was contacted by a lady here in Little Rock who is wanting to open a shelter for Human Trafficking victims. I wasn't sure if she would let me help out or not since I don't have a lot of professional experience. We began emailing. I went with Louise to a lunch today. It is a lunch that happens every Thursday and people from nonprofits, churches, businesses etc gather to eat, hear a speaker, and do some networking. It's a great thing. The speaker today was the county sheriff who was awesome! He was also the one who told Louise she could go with a cop the next time he does a prostitution sting..she asked me if I wanted to come along!!! heck yes. Anyways, they were super excited I was there. They want me to help them with getting the word out, developing a curriculum/program to take into the public schools and present to the youth there. I could be good at that. I have always wanted to work with Human Trafficking! BUT the down side is they can't pay me to do it. I would have to find a job somewhere else and volunteer for them. I haven't found another job yet.
Question: Do I stay here or go there? I mean, I haven't officially been offered the other job yet so who knows it might be an easy answer. It still frustrates/makes me a nervous wreck.
When I felt like I was just at an end, with no where else to go. I had no idea what to do next (job wise). I tried to think of what people in scripture did at those times. I mean, when I say I am at an end, its not quite as serious as in bible times. I did however reflect upon the act of fasting. It was done in times of great need and turmoil. It was a time when people sought out the face of God. They wanted to take away all other distractions and simply focus on the heart of God. You want to simply worship Him during those times you would normally eat. It doesn't mean doing a lot of talking. When you are in tune with God, your hearts beat as one, you will find what you are looking for. This is also the time when Satan attacks. He knows you are vulnerable. He will try to fill your mind with a million thoughts, fill your day with requests from others, unnecessary tasks, etc so that you will be distracted. Many people believe that every christian should attempt a 40 day fast at least once in their lifetime.
Anyways, so I chose to fast. I really felt like I just needed to take away all distractions and focus on God in order to some what understand His ways and where He is leading me. Let me set up the scene for you. I was approached by a friend on facebook about an opening for a Youth Assistant Director in Peoria. This is a friend that I haven't talked to for three years almost. He is a greenville grad. He said he was just browsing facebook, saw my name, and thought "hmmm...she'd be good for this position. I will ask her." I really never wanted to get back into Youth ministry, but I wasn't gonna throw it out the window yet. Well, I sent him my resume and said that I would think about it. He responded by saying that the staff was impressed with my resume. The lady in charge is supposed to be calling me soon to give me details and talk to me about possibly coming up Sept. 11 for an interview. I am not dreading this job anymore. I have actually become quite excited about the possibility! Plus, if I did get it and move to Peoria, I would be closer to friends, and be able to get my own place. Still waiting to hear from Linda, the lady in charge.
The same time this is going on as well, I was contacted by a lady here in Little Rock who is wanting to open a shelter for Human Trafficking victims. I wasn't sure if she would let me help out or not since I don't have a lot of professional experience. We began emailing. I went with Louise to a lunch today. It is a lunch that happens every Thursday and people from nonprofits, churches, businesses etc gather to eat, hear a speaker, and do some networking. It's a great thing. The speaker today was the county sheriff who was awesome! He was also the one who told Louise she could go with a cop the next time he does a prostitution sting..she asked me if I wanted to come along!!! heck yes. Anyways, they were super excited I was there. They want me to help them with getting the word out, developing a curriculum/program to take into the public schools and present to the youth there. I could be good at that. I have always wanted to work with Human Trafficking! BUT the down side is they can't pay me to do it. I would have to find a job somewhere else and volunteer for them. I haven't found another job yet.
Question: Do I stay here or go there? I mean, I haven't officially been offered the other job yet so who knows it might be an easy answer. It still frustrates/makes me a nervous wreck.
Monday, August 29, 2011
The Lord is my Banner
Read Exodus 17:8-15
Ancient armies carried standards or banners that served as marks of identification and as symbols that embodied the ideals if a people. It could be seen from afar serving as a rallying point before battle or as an announcement of a victory already won. When you pray to Yaweh Nissi (the lord is my banner) you are praying to the God who is powerful enough to overcome any foe. Because they embodied the the ideals and aspirations of whoever carried them, banners aroused devotion to a cause, nation, or leader. If you picture the amalekites as a symbol of all the forces that oppose God, you begin to realize the spiritual battles that still face us. Just as the Israelites were freed from their bondage to Egypt, we are freed from bondage to sin and Satan the moment we surrender ourselves to Christ. But we still face countless battles on our way to the promised land of heaven. Some of the worst of these are internal, as we struggle to overcome the dividing wall in our own souls, a kind of spiritual ambivalence that makes us easy prey for our enemies. Today as you face battles, remember to hold up high the banner of God's power, knowing that he alone gives the victory no matter how fierce the enemy!
God,
You are my banner. I WILL hold you up in front for the world to see...let them know whose side I am on and that nothing will stand in our way. Nothing will stand in the way of God. We WILL conquer. I thank you for raising your banner over me as I face spiritual battles if many kinds. Help me to be confident of your protection, to fight with your power, to prevail in your strength. Yaweh Nissi, may your victory be TOTAL and COMPLETE , destroying whatever stands in the way of your plans and purposes.
Amen
Ancient armies carried standards or banners that served as marks of identification and as symbols that embodied the ideals if a people. It could be seen from afar serving as a rallying point before battle or as an announcement of a victory already won. When you pray to Yaweh Nissi (the lord is my banner) you are praying to the God who is powerful enough to overcome any foe. Because they embodied the the ideals and aspirations of whoever carried them, banners aroused devotion to a cause, nation, or leader. If you picture the amalekites as a symbol of all the forces that oppose God, you begin to realize the spiritual battles that still face us. Just as the Israelites were freed from their bondage to Egypt, we are freed from bondage to sin and Satan the moment we surrender ourselves to Christ. But we still face countless battles on our way to the promised land of heaven. Some of the worst of these are internal, as we struggle to overcome the dividing wall in our own souls, a kind of spiritual ambivalence that makes us easy prey for our enemies. Today as you face battles, remember to hold up high the banner of God's power, knowing that he alone gives the victory no matter how fierce the enemy!
God,
You are my banner. I WILL hold you up in front for the world to see...let them know whose side I am on and that nothing will stand in our way. Nothing will stand in the way of God. We WILL conquer. I thank you for raising your banner over me as I face spiritual battles if many kinds. Help me to be confident of your protection, to fight with your power, to prevail in your strength. Yaweh Nissi, may your victory be TOTAL and COMPLETE , destroying whatever stands in the way of your plans and purposes.
Amen
Friday, August 19, 2011
Facing the Silence
Well I made it back from the mountains. The mountain top is always an experience...sometimes good and sometimes bad. Being on the mountain allows you time of solitude. People these days don't like solitude or have no idea what it means to be silent with no distractions.
Here are my thoughts while on the mountain:
"This is a time and space to attend to what was real in my life — to celebrate the joys, grieve the losses, sit with my questions, attend to my loneliness, shed my tears — and allow God to be with me in those places. This was not primarily a time for problem-solving or fixing — because not everything can be fixed or solved. It was a time just to "keep still" and wait for God to accomplish what was most needed in my life. It was a very deep kind of rest indeed. We are entering into a year of leadership. One of the most sobering truths about life in leadership is that I can be very busy and look very important, yet be out of touch with that place in the center of my being where I know who I am in God and what he has called me to do — that place where I am responsive to the voice of God above all others'. When this happens, I am at the mercy of all manner of external and internal forces, tossed and turned by others' expectations and my inner compulsions. This inner emptiness then becomes the source of frenetic activity that is untethered from any kind of grounding in God. This is not a good situation for a leader to be in. Over the years, I have learned that my greatest need as a human being and as a spiritual leader is to experience God's unconditional love and presence beyond all that I do for him. I need to hear a voice that is not my own speaking those things that I most need to hear. In the regular practice of solitude, God's unconditional love and presence becomes the bedrock of my being, the unshakeable foundation of my true identity and calling. God's transforming presence experienced in solitude is deeply restorative, enlivening my leadership and enabling me to bring fresh energy and deeper wisdom to the responsibilities before me. There is rarely a good time for extended solitude in the life of a leader; there is only the right time. On many occasions, when my spirit has been willing but my schedule has been weak, Emilie Griffin's words have provided a kick in the you-know-what:
When there is no time to do it, that's when you most need to unclutter the calendar and go apart to pray. When the gridlock in your schedule relentlessly forbids it is the time you most need retreat. That is when your heart beats against the prison walls of your enslavement and says, "Yes, Lord, I want to spend time with you."
"The stillness of solitude brings clarity to more than just our knowledge of God. It also awakens our awareness of our own hearts. And that’s perhaps why we avoid it. We run from solitude to the degree that we run from ourselves. For solitude opens the window to your soul and releases all that has been quietly sealed up and hidden away inside. We fear what might be there, lurking in the dark, hidden by our busy lives—sorrow, loneliness, desperation, grief, and weariness. But we do not understand that God’s call to solitude is not a call to go off by ourselves to face our struggles alone. It’s the call to come away with Him, so that He can minister to our souls and give us the healing gift of Himself. “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves” (Matt. 11:28-29).
Rather than using solitude as a means to escape the world, it becomes the means by which the kingdom of God is brought into the world. For we become the vessels through which His power and glory are expressed."
Sunday, July 24, 2011
What is my life
Summer time. Sweet sweet summer time.
A lot has happened this summer. I mean, that is usually the case.
I worked at Durley for a week. Discovered the true side to some people and letting God reveal the beautiful side of people. I was sad to leave there because I had just began to make friends and didn't want to leave.
I was off to SOS when I got back from camp. I love SOS. I worked on a roof with some 12 year olds, and let me tell you...I don't know what was more difficult...the roof or the 12 year olds. hahaha.
I went to Greenville for the wonderful wedding of my awesome friends, Tim and Annie. They both had the biggest smiles plastered on their faces the entire time. Love is great. I wish them the best. It was also great to see friends that I haven't seen in a long time. It brought back a lot of memories...good and bad. Once again, it was sad to part ways. It was like a tease.
I also got to know a new friend even better. I like making new friends. Especially ones in which I believe God brought to me for a reason...and believing we will be friends for a long long time.
But most of all this summer brings to mind two words...JOB SEARCH. as well as two emotions...FRUSTRATION and DISAPOINTMENT. I have spent ALL summer looking for a job. I need one really really bad. This is the most crucial time to do as the good old hymn says...Trust and Obey for there is no other way. I am doing my best. I never imagined myself having this much trouble finding a job. Growing up you just have a completely different picture in your head of how you think everything is going to go. I do have a problem with thinking its my fault when something doesn't go right or it seems like everything is going wrong...I blame myself for all of it thinking I had failed. I had failed and missed what God was trying to show me/give me.
I got home from greenville to find my first bill. My school loans have come back to haunt me. I opened it..and started to cry. I don't have money to pay it right now....but this is exactly the time to not panic and run in circles, but to stop and drop...gettin on those knees to speak to the one who is all knowing and all loving.
Anyways, its still a struggle and a journey. I know and believe things will get better especially because I know there are others out there who care enough to pray and trust right along side me :)
A lot has happened this summer. I mean, that is usually the case.
I worked at Durley for a week. Discovered the true side to some people and letting God reveal the beautiful side of people. I was sad to leave there because I had just began to make friends and didn't want to leave.
I was off to SOS when I got back from camp. I love SOS. I worked on a roof with some 12 year olds, and let me tell you...I don't know what was more difficult...the roof or the 12 year olds. hahaha.
I went to Greenville for the wonderful wedding of my awesome friends, Tim and Annie. They both had the biggest smiles plastered on their faces the entire time. Love is great. I wish them the best. It was also great to see friends that I haven't seen in a long time. It brought back a lot of memories...good and bad. Once again, it was sad to part ways. It was like a tease.
I also got to know a new friend even better. I like making new friends. Especially ones in which I believe God brought to me for a reason...and believing we will be friends for a long long time.
But most of all this summer brings to mind two words...JOB SEARCH. as well as two emotions...FRUSTRATION and DISAPOINTMENT. I have spent ALL summer looking for a job. I need one really really bad. This is the most crucial time to do as the good old hymn says...Trust and Obey for there is no other way. I am doing my best. I never imagined myself having this much trouble finding a job. Growing up you just have a completely different picture in your head of how you think everything is going to go. I do have a problem with thinking its my fault when something doesn't go right or it seems like everything is going wrong...I blame myself for all of it thinking I had failed. I had failed and missed what God was trying to show me/give me.
I got home from greenville to find my first bill. My school loans have come back to haunt me. I opened it..and started to cry. I don't have money to pay it right now....but this is exactly the time to not panic and run in circles, but to stop and drop...gettin on those knees to speak to the one who is all knowing and all loving.
Anyways, its still a struggle and a journey. I know and believe things will get better especially because I know there are others out there who care enough to pray and trust right along side me :)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
What next?
Sometimes it is really hard to "wait" and "trust". There are just some things that I want soooo badly, and they are currently the desires of my heart. They aren't too much to ask for and are quite simple, but I am not sure that it will ever happen. It makes me sad. God knows the desires of my heart, he knows what lies ahead, He knows what will work best...even though I think that they would be really really good for me and work well...who knows, but God. I just wish I understood and I could see the whole picture sometimes.
At this moment, I am frustrated. BECAUSE... it seems like everyone around me has at least part of their life figured out. I know it may not be true, but thats the way it appears. It seems like they know what they want to do with their lives...i don't. I have no idea. I don't know what to do, but wait. I am not sure how to be proactive about it either, or if I should.
Im not gonna lie, I get caught up in the past a lot and in relationships..that makes it harder
I pray that I just don't miss out and simply live a life worthy of my calling and glorifying to my God.
At this moment, I am frustrated. BECAUSE... it seems like everyone around me has at least part of their life figured out. I know it may not be true, but thats the way it appears. It seems like they know what they want to do with their lives...i don't. I have no idea. I don't know what to do, but wait. I am not sure how to be proactive about it either, or if I should.
Im not gonna lie, I get caught up in the past a lot and in relationships..that makes it harder
I pray that I just don't miss out and simply live a life worthy of my calling and glorifying to my God.
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